The Even Finaller Frontier
by roisaber
Summary: Even outer space isn't far out enough for a rocket jockey like Jebediah Kerman. When the government offers him an opportunity to go someplace even stranger, he jumps at the chance.


Jebediah got word that Charlesworth wanted to see him in his office, and so the Kerbal excitedly navigated the halls of the KSA, hoping that he was going to be scheduled for a new flight. He knocked on Charlesworth's office door, and the Kerbal quickly opened it and ushered him inside. Sitting in a chair next to Charlesworth's seat was a man in a suit that Jebediah didn't recognize, but something about his demeanor suggested he wasn't from the KSA.

"Take a seat, Jebediah," Charlesworth ordered, sitting down next to the unknown man. "This is Mister Mortimer, with the government."

Jebediah extended a nervous hand, and Mortimer shook it.

"How do you do?" Mortimer asked politely.

"And yourself," Jebediah answered.

"Mr. Mortimer would like to ask you a few questions, and I expect you to answer honestly," Charlesworth announced imperiously.

"Of course, sir."

Mr. Mortimer reached into his briefcase and brought out a manila envelope. From it, he retrieved a binder and a pen and made a couple of notes. Jebediah waited nervously; in his experience, when a Mr. Somebody from the government wanted to talk to you, it was rarely good news.

"I'll get straight to the point, Mr. Jebediah," Mortimer said. "What do you know about psilocybin – that is, magic – mushrooms?"

Jebediah was perplexed. "Sir?"

"Just answer him, Jebediah," Charlesworth said. "Nothing that gets said in this office will have any bearing on your rank as Flight Commander."

"Okay." Jebediah really didn't want to go through with this, but nobody could hold out against Charlesworth for long. "They're hallucinogenic mushrooms that can be found growing in the woods or in fields on cow shit. When I attended KerbalaUniversity they were popular with some of the students. As far as I know, it's mostly a college kid thing."

"Have you ever tried hallucinogenic mushrooms?" Mortimer from the government asked.

Jebediah vacillated. "No, well, not as _such_, no."

Charlesworth narrowed his eyes. "Could you please elaborate, Jebediah?"

Jebediah really didn't want to go through with this.

"Well," he stammered, "at this one party someone ground up one of the mushrooms and spiked a bowl of marijuana with it. I took a couple hits, but I didn't really feel anything. And honestly, that's the only incident I have to report."

"Thank you for your honesty, Mr. Jebediah. Now, please allow me to explain," Mortimer said.

Jebediah nodded and the government official began his carefully scripted monologue.

"As you may or may not be aware, the Kerbin Senate was briefly considering outlawing all hallucinogenic substances after an unfortunate incident in Port Cockerton that resulted in four deaths. However, it was deemed that enforcement of such a law would be too costly, too invasive, and ultimately ineffectual, and so the plan was eventually dropped. However, the committee that was established to investigate the role of hallucinogens in society was directed to continue research into the possibilities these substances offer. We have come to believe that these substances might represent entry into a new frontier, and we wish to explore the possibilities further. Due to your extensive career of pushing the boundaries of Kerbal science, we've selected you as a likely candidate for the role of psychonaut."

"Naturally, it would have no negative impact on your career here," Charlesworth put in. "We've agreed that a week of downtime would be sufficient between your experiments with the Experimental Psychonautics Committee and any flights you might be scheduled to make with the KASA."

Jebediah was taken aback. "Let me get this straight… you, want me, to take magic mushrooms – for science!?"

"That's exactly right. I hope you'll consider it," Mortimer said.

At first, Jebediah was dubious. After all, he was an educated, well-mannered professional who only occasionally hijacked spaceships while drunk. But the more he thought about the possibilities, the more excited he became. If he could keep his cool when surrounded by the vacuum of space, a little bit of mushrooms shouldn't be able to threaten him with immortal terror, right?

"I'll try it once, at least," Jebediah finally announced.

"That's all we could ask," Mortimer replied. "I took the liberty of preparing a session two days from now. That means you'll have enough recovery time to make it up on KTS-11 in two weeks."

Charlesworth ordered, "We're dedicating a conference room in the East Wing to this experiment. I want you on time at 0900 hours on Wednesday in room E2-102."

"Yes, sir."

"Dismissed, Jebediah."

Over the next two days, Jebediah continued to train for his astronaut missions as normal. He did numerous flight simulations, space walk simulations in KSA's large pool, and the centrifuge, which he actually quite enjoyed as long as they didn't crank up the gees higher than ten. At home, he researched the properties of psilocybin and actually started getting excited about the impending experiment. Sometimes he was astonished that they actually paid him to do the things he did – he would have done it for free.

Finally, Wednesday morning came around. Per Mortimer's instructions he ate a light meal and washed it down with OJ, and then he drove onto the highway that led to KSA. Almost all the work in Rocketport revolved around the aeronautics industry, and Probodobodyne, RÖKEA, and Periapsis Co. all had major plants in the bucolic seaside town. The rest of the economy basically revolved around providing services and entertainment for the employees of the KSA and the rest of the Rocketport industry. The highway leading to the KSA was crowded with vehicles. Jebediah parked and made it to room E2-102 at exactly 0858. Charlesworth was watching his watch outside the door that led to the conference room, flanked by Mortimer.

"Ah, you made it," Charlesworth said. "Two minutes early to boot. I approve of that."

"Yes, sir," Jebediah answered robotically.

"If you'll follow me," Mortimer prompted.

The three Kerbals entered the conference room. It had been carefully stripped of anything that Jebediah could potentially use to hurt himself, and there was a large chair securely bolted to the center of the floor. Jebediah saw that a two way glass window had been installed in one side of the room, presumably so medical technicians and scientists could watch him without interfering. On a table, there were several objects provided for his amusement while he tripped. There was a digital music player with rounded corners presumably designed to be immune to the destruction that could be unleashed by young Kerbal polyps. There was a box of crayons in a spectrum of colors that would make even a rainbow blush. There were some snacks and finger paints.

More than anything, it looked like a kindergarten.

"Please take a seat, Mr. Jebediah."

Jebediah obediently situated himself in the chair in the center of the room.

"As you can see, we've prepared this room especially for this experiment," Mortimer explained. "We anticipate it will last between six and eight hours, and we'd like you to do whatever you'd like to make yourself comfortable. You can use the safeword 'pineapple' if you feel you need medical or psychiatric attention for any reason. Do you have any questions?"

"No, I'm just excited to try out something new," Jebediah, a born neophile, answered confidently.

Mortimer reached into his lab coat pocket and pulled a bright red gelcap.

"That's it?"

Mortimer nodded. "That's it. You can take it whenever you're ready; I'll get you a glass of water."

Jebediah stared at the red pill curiously. Somehow he expected that he would be provided with something a little more… imposing. Nevertheless, he gulped the pill down and leaned back under the sterile lights.

"Any chance of dimming these lights a little?" he asked.

Mortimer conferred with the men behind the glass for a minute, and they obligingly dimmed the lights until the illumination was a warm, clear brown. Jebediah waited impatiently for the experience to kick in while the scientists, psychiatrists, doctors, and Charlesworth watched him intently from behind the glass. For fifteen to twenty minutes, he felt absolutely nothing, and he started to wonder if he would have any kind of experience at all. He soon would.

"How big of a dose did you give him?" Charlesworth asked behind the two way glass.

"Oh, a _big_ one."

Jebediah started to yawn, even though he didn't feel tired. In fact, he felt more clear-headed and lucid than he had all morning, since on Mortimer's direction he skipped his typical morning coffee. Over the next few minutes, something subtle yet systemically important started to change in his field of vision. Edges somehow became straighter. The colors grew more saturated and contrast delineated things more clearly. His visual acuity was heightened, and he could see more details and concentrate on them more clearly. He let out a spontaneous giggle.

"Sounds like it's working," Mortimer mused.

Jebediah looked at everything, enjoying the sensation. He wanted to go to space on psilocybin, all the more clearly to see the indescribably gorgeous sights the Kerbol system had to offer. He was surprised to see that the patterns in the stucco walls started offering his hypnogogic imagery. For a moment, he saw a duck, but then it circled itself twice and morphed into a dog. He giggled, yawned again, and wandered over to the wall to take a closer look at the changing, living shapes. It was like peering into a whole new universe, but a universe constructed from the simple things of ordinary life. A uniformed bear and a doughnut dueled in the stucco, and they commanded vast armies of pygmies to fight for control over a wrought iron castle.

"What the Hell is he laughing at?" Charlesworth mumbled.

"Things only he can see, sir…"

Though it seemed impossible, the experience soon ratcheted up in intensity. Jebediah could barely even see the room around him; everything turned into something else the moment he laid eyes on it. He wandered over to the table in the middle of the room, inadvertently knocked over the box of crayons, and then headed back to the stucco wall, where it was safe. Suddenly, he saw the approaching image of a strange creature headed for him, as clear and colorful as day.

The alien was beautiful, in an odd sort of way. The creature had roughly Kerboid features; that is, two arms, two legs, one head, two eyes. Though Kerbals didn't have sexual dimorphism, several species of great apes evolved on their homeworld, and so an educated man like Jebediah recognized that the two bumps on the being's chest under her diaphanous gown indicated that it was probably a female. She had long, flaxen hair, and her irises were like two shattered windows of green stained glass. Unlike a great ape, she had very little hair on her body apart from the hair flowing down from her head. Jebediah wondered if she was sentient, but the presence of clothes all but guaranteed that she possessed a mind not entirely dissimilar from his own.

Jebediah looked down at her unshod feet, and she scores of dust motes glittering around her toes. With a sudden stab of awe, Jebediah realized that each of the tiny, sparkling orbs was an entire galactic supercluster.

"! #$" she said.

"What?" Jebediah murmured.

"! #$% &*$ $# $ %"

"I'm sorry, I don't understand you," Jebediah replied.

Yet, like the patterns in the stucco wall, somehow her speech congealed and solidified into something he could understand.

"Hello," she said a third time. "Can you understand me?"

Jebediah was as overjoyed as he was astonished. "Yes! Yes!"

"Only you can save the universe."

Jebediah was astonished. "What? Me?"

"Yes. Take this sword and go forth as my champion."

The glowing woman took a sword and presented Jebediah with the pommel. He hesitatingly reached out and grabbed it. The metal was smooth and cool to the touch, and he gave it an experimental wave.

"It's so beautiful!" he gushed.

"Who the Hell is he talking to?" Charlesworth demanded.

Mortimer just shrugged.

"Beware," the alien warned. "The Cha'adaru are coming!"

Suddenly, Jebediah was a spaceship floating through the inky void. The distant goddess continued to guide him, but now she was in the form of an unfamiliar star. Jebediah looked out and saw ships congregating like gnats, and his ailerons shuddered with contempt. He could feel the cruelty, cowardice, and evil those ships contained. Suddenly, he struck with a fist made of lasers, and he pummeled one of the great evil ships with raking green light. It shuddered under his assault and turned to face him. But, with the goddess filling his wings with radiant starlight, he moved much faster than the slow, dark enemy vessels. He darted to and fro among them, periodically lashing out with incredible ferocity.

"He's coloring all over the fucking walls!" Charlesworth protested.

"Oh, don't be such a spoilsport," Mortimer replied. "The Committee will pay to have them repainted."

Time and time again, Jebediah struck with his laser batteries, and each time a Cha'adaru ship crumpled under his attack. Bright green bolts flared against the strangely bright darkness of space. The invasion force withered under his assault and the few remaining ships slunk back to their home world, never to be seen again.

The alien rematerialized, and she leaned over to peck him on the cheek.

"You've done it!" she enthused. "You saved the universe, Jebediah Kerman. You're my hero!"

Without a moment's warning, Jebediah found himself in a thick, steamy jungle. He knew that somewhere nearby, the pirate treasure was buried, and if he could only recover it he'd be able to afford medicine for his entire village. He was so close he could almost smell the rhodium coins. The alien woman was back, but this time, she was a pirate captain standing between him and the loot. She waved a cutlass at him menacingly.

"Arr, gold doubloons and pieces of eight!" she shouted. "We'll set sail for the mizzenmast by six bells and don't you forget it!"

"I'll cut off your peg leg and feed it to the crocodile," Jebediah vowed in response, knowing he was speaking utter nonsense and long past caring.

Cutlass clanged against Jebediah's scimitar, which was, for some reason, purple. Great strokes left arc of color in the air, which hung on long after he'd completed his swing. Jebediah continued to trade blows with the Queen of the Pirates.

"Yar, I've underestimated ye," the Queen said, pausing to pick a stray hair off her ruffled blouse. "Ye can have all the coins ye need."

And with that, the sky was full of them. They pattered down like rain, and suddenly, Jebediah found himself on the surface of the sun. The strange alien girl was there, too, reading a book and lounging on an easy chair far too big for Kerbal proportions. She looked up at him, her green eyes glittering.

"Oh!" she said. "You're an alien."

"No, you're the alien!" Jebediah naturally objected.

She came over and gave him a big hug.

"Look at you!" she said, laughing. "You're all small and cuddly and green."

"Ma'am, I am an _astronaut_!"

"My friends said I might see aliens if I took mushrooms, but I didn't really believe them," the girl mused. "Are you real?"

"Am I real? You're the Queen of the Pirates!"

"I know!" she replied. "Wasn't that so much fun? What's your name?"

"Jebediah Kerman."

She nodded. "My name is Melissa. Oh! But you're fading away! Don't forget about me, okay? I live on the planet - "

But she was cut off before she could finish her sentence. Jebediah found himself pulled away, not forcefully but powerfully enough that the pull brooked no resistance. He found himself back in room E2-102 at KSA, still tripping hard but no longer completely overtaken by the experience. He noted, with some amusement, that someone had colored all over the white stucco wall.

For the next few hours, he felt unusually lucid, but he experienced no further full-spectrum hallucinations. He amused himself by watching the walls breathe and the colored lines drawn on them pursue themselves like a dogs chasing their own tails. Finally, Mortimer deemed him nearly sober, and came out of the observation room with Charlesworth to debrief him.

"Please take a seat, Mr. Jebediah," Mortimer suggested.

Jebediah obediently followed the instruction, and Mortimer got out his notebook and digital audio recorder to make a few final notes.

"Oh a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your experience?" he asked.

"It went up to 11!" Jebediah replied with a giggle. "And I saw an alien!"

Charlesworth's raised his eye ridge. "An alien?"

"She was very strange. She said her name was Melissa and I think she evolved from an ape or something."

"A sentient being evolved from apes?" Charlesworth snorted. "Preposterous."

"I wouldn't be so sure, sir," Mortimer objected.

Charlesworth backed down, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "Well, maybe it _is_ possible. But it's hard to believe you could have really seen an alien."

Mortimer and Charlesworth carried out the rest of the debriefing, and then escorted Jebediah down to a waiting car that would drive him home. The two watched the vehicle fade into the rolling hills around the KSA, and Mortimer turned to Charlesworth with a serious look on his face.

"Sentient aliens?" Mortimer asked. "Do you think it's really possible?"

Charlesworth turned to stare at the launch vehicle, Rainbow Dash HLV-2, waiting to take off from the pad. A routine maintenance mission was scheduled that night to take supplies and monopropellant to the Kerbin One space station. After a few minutes, he finally came up with an answer.

"In my professional opinion, Mr. Mortimer… I don't know. I honestly don't know."


End file.
